Returning to yourself is not withdrawing into yourself
Coming back to yourself is not withdrawing into yourself, as long as you don’t stop there: a peace you have found is not a refuge, it is what lets you stand upright among other people. The charge is common (by dint of returning to yourself, you would end up seeing nobody), and Kalisme doesn’t deny it: the drift is real. Kalisme, a way of living born in Lausanne, comes down to 13 simple sentences that remind you what you’re allowed to do for yourself.
The oxygen mask, and what the image leaves out
The image is well known: you put on your own mask before helping your neighbour. It is right, and it is incomplete. It explains why you have to start with yourself, it says nothing of what happens next. And that is where most personal approaches stop, and where the charge becomes justified.
One of the 13 sentences of Kalisme, the ninth, says “You’re allowed to go first”. The word “first” is about order, not about the only place. Going first is not taking the only place. Confusing the two heads the list of drifts the manifesto names, and it doesn’t treat it indulgently: self-love properly understood is the beginning of love for others, never its alibi.
What an inner peace changes for other people
It changes what you are able to receive. An emptied person listens badly, not from a lack of kindness, but because attention is a resource and they have none left. They judge faster, they protect themselves more, they read what is said to them as one more load.
The reverse is noticeable too, without anyone proclaiming it: someone who isn’t busy defending themselves listens better, judges less, supports longer. The manifesto “The Kaliste” puts it this way: Kalisme is lived in the first person, it is shared in the second. In plain terms: you start with yourself (“I”), then you let others benefit from it (“you”).
Peace does not exempt you from acting
This is where Kalisme parts company clearly with part of the wellbeing books. Faced with an injustice, the answer is not appeasement. Finding peace does not mean accepting the unacceptable, and calm is not submission: it is the state from which one responds fittingly, without being swept away.
The manifesto in fact ranks, among the four drifts to watch, the one that consists in passing off inaction as wisdom. Dressing your renunciation in fine words is more comfortable than acting, and the vocabulary of calm lends itself particularly well. A peace that serves as an excuse for doing nothing is not a peace, it is a well-dressed escape.
This demand rests on two things: treating yourself as someone who matters, and choosing where your attention goes. They lead to a freer life, and staying free assumes daring to disturb sometimes.
Three moves when the people around you don’t follow
Don’t try to convince anyone. A principle explained to somebody who asked for nothing turns into a lesson. What gets transmitted is what the people around you observe, not what you set out.
Separate the limit from the reproach. Setting a limit doesn’t oblige you to demonstrate that the other person is wrong. “I am not available” stands on its own; “I am not available because you take all my energy” opens a dispute, and the dispute eats the limit.
Accept moving forward with someone who has no interest in Kalisme. The manifesto doesn’t ask you to become perfect before turning toward others, only a little more true. A path walked alone wears out, and we walk better together, including with people who have never read a line of that text.
When it weighs more
This text is about ordinary relationships, with ordinary disagreements. Nothing written here applies under coercive control, threat or violence: in those situations no sentence about peace has any value, and the first form of self-respect is to get to safety and to seek help.
In an emergency: 999 in the United Kingdom, 911 in the United States, 144 in Switzerland.
To talk to someone, day or night: Samaritans on 116 123 in the United Kingdom, the 988 Lifeline in the United States, La Main Tendue on 143 in Switzerland.
Elsewhere, the numbers for your country are on findahelpline.com.
Frequently asked questions
Is taking care of yourself selfish?
No, because first designates an order and not an exclusivity. What you give is drawn from your state: an emptied person keeps giving, but gives lower quality. Confusing first with only is a drift that Kalisme names explicitly.
Does working on yourself make you indifferent to the world?
It can, and Kalisme ranks that drift among the four to watch. Finding peace does not mean accepting the unacceptable: calm is not submission, it is the state from which one acts without being swept away.
How do I use Kalisme if the people around me aren’t interested in it?
By not trying to convince anyone. What gets transmitted is what other people observe, not what you explain to them. The manifesto doesn’t ask you to be perfect before turning toward others, only a little more true.
What does Kalisme say about other people?
That it begins with the self without stopping there: “Return to yourself, then return to others.” It is lived in the first person and shared in the second. The chapter “Kalisme with others” in the manifesto “The Kaliste” develops this point.
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Guideposts
Spot a person you give to badly because you give too much. Take twenty minutes back from them this week, and look at what they receive afterwards.